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We Have to Talk About The Hard Parts

Yesterday I had a great blog post percolating in my brain. I even wrote a really rough draft of it, with the expectations I’d revisit it this morning and finish it.

And then Sam and I went out with friends, and drank way too much.  We got into a loud ugly fight last night.  This morning I woke up feeling buried in shame and regret.  Sam left for a meeting out-of-town, Zoe went to school, and I’m here trying to get over a hangover from the alcohol and the fight.

The blog post I was going to write was inspired by a blog post by Audrey Hayworth.  Why are we not talking about the hard parts.  Nobody wants to go on the internet and admit that they lost their shit over something that was really not losing of the shit worthy. Every one glosses over the hard parts.  Maybe we’re afraid of showing our soft underbelly, our shortcomings, or god forbid our faults.

If we are truly honest, life is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Relationships are hard.  None of them are hard 100% of the time, but there are times all of them can be 100% difficult.

Our fight last night was stupid.  They always are.  I blame him. I yell at him.  I throw his weaknesses in his face.  All in a hurtful awful attempt to keep him from seeing my weaknesses, my self-doubt, my unhappiness with my own life.  If I am uncomfortably honest with myself, I worry that he resents me for not having a job.  It doesn’t matter that I cook the meals, clean the house, manage the money, and keep us all afloat and entertained and away from the poorhouse.  I worry that he resents me not bringing in any money.  Probably because I feel like the mooch my oldest daughter accused me of being, in a fit of anger this summer.  It doesn’t matter how much I do around this house, for this family, the bottom line is, he earns all the money and I am just living off of him. If I were to ask him, he would tell me that he’s OK with me staying home.  He would say that all I do here, at home, for this family, are absolutely as important as earning a paycheck.

And yet… I lash out because god forbid I allow this man who claims to love me to see my faults and insecurities and fears.

Why do we not talk about the hard parts?

I started this blog, A Reformed Hot Mess because I wanted you (but mostly me) to believe that I got my shit together.  I was going to write about all the things I used to fuck up and now, I was getting right.  I haven’t been arrested in three years, and believe me, since 2008, that’s a record for me.  I was going to write about how I have been in charge of all the money for 18 months, and all the bills have been paid on time.  I keep a clean, neat house. I cook delicious meals.  I work out at the gym and have cookies waiting for Zoe when she gets home from school.(ok that cookie part? That’s a bullshit lie, I don’t have cookies waiting.  But I think maybe I should) I apparently was going to pretend I was June fucking Cleaver.

What always seems to blow my mind, though, is that both readers, acquaintances, and friends alike believe that I just woke up one day, stepped out of a closet where I left all of the bad memories behind and into a glossy version of a white picket fence life. It is as if most people believe that becoming a well-adjusted person happens overnight and that there is no room to discuss the hard parts. This lonely, glossy version of my life is something I don’t recognize, because it’s not at all the truth.  ~ Audrey Hayworth, Sassmouth of the South

I may be more responsible than I used to be. I pay all the bills, on time.  Which I realize isn’t that big of a deal. Millions of people manage to do it every month for years. I may have that particular area of my shit together.  But while I’m being this grown up responsible adult I’m screwing up all the important relationships in my life.  I’m apparently a really bad juggler (I can’t, even a little bit) because I can only keep one ball in the air at a time. The rest just bounce around on the floor after being dropped or forgotten.

The hard parts are, I’m living with bipolar disorder. Which I adamantly believe, is not an excuse.  More hard parts are Zoe’s mom died less than six months before I moved in with Sam and Zoe.  That child never really had time to grieve her mother, when all of a sudden there’s a new ‘mom’ in her life.  How could that child not hate me a little and resent me a whole lot?  My ex husband died four weeks ago and the shock, and anger and grief of that destroyed my relationship with my daughters.  That is a whole lot of really big emotions to deal with.  And I try to gloss over it all, and pretend none of it hurts, and that with time everything will work out.  The truth is, all of this guts me, but nobody wants to hear that.  Nobody wants to talk about the hard parts.

We need to talk about the hard parts.

I can honestly say I am not the hot mess I used to be, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a hot mess at all.  I still am at times.  But I realize it, and I own it and I’m trying to right all the wrongs I’ve done.  I am done glossing over the truth to make others comfortable.  I am going to talk about the hard parts.  I’m still going to find humor, and I’m still going to pretend to be June fucking Cleaver.  But I’m going to keep it real, and authentic here, and I hope you’ll feel comfortable to talk about the hard parts here too

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18 comments to We Have to Talk About The Hard Parts

  • Thanks for sharing!
    I’ve found that when I admit out loud (or in writing) that I once again screwed up, it helps me see things in a much clearer light. Also, talking out my fears, failures and insecurities with my husband has given him the opportunity to understand why I lash out at times.
    Hope today is a brighter day for you and things will only get better. 🙂

  • So sorry you have been having lots of hard parts. i’m not sure why we hide them. Well i know as a blogger I have been accused of being whiny and complaining when I talk about the hard stuff so I’m sure that’s part of it for me.

    • I think we don’t talk about the hard parts because we all have hard parts, and nobody wants to hear about other’s problems because we have our own. But it’s in the talking that we can support each other. Sometimes knowing you’re not alone is all it takes to make the hard parts easier.

  • I admire your honesty! We all screw up from time to time and I think that’s part of life! I guess what’s important is how we bounce back after that. And I think you’re doing a really great job at it!

    Belle | One Awesome Momma

    • Thank you Belle. You’re right, we all screw up. The true test of character is how we bounce back. Yesterday I missed First Day of School pictures and we had pot pies for dinner. Today I got Second Day of School pictures and dinner in the crock-pot early. And I didn’t yell at Sam. Today is a better day.

  • babiestobookworms

    I’m so sorry for your pain, but I commend you for talking about the hard parts. Don’t undermine the things that you do have under control though! Yes lots of people pay their bills on time, but there are other parts of their life that they are struggling with too. Give yourself the chance to celebrate even the smallest victories without comparing them to anyone else’s life.

    • Thank you for your kind words. Yesterday I celebrated nobody died, and the house was still standing. Today I got Second Day of School pictures and I have dinner in the crock-pot. Today is a victory over yesterday!

  • I always try to share both good and bad. It is not easy to admit that you are less than perfect. I am so sorry about the ex. I know that is hard especially when you have kids together. You are a lot better than you used to be!! Life is not easy. At. All. Hugs my friend!

    • We have known for four years that his time with us would be short. We were told in May that he only had two months left. None of it prepares you for life without them. Even after all the struggles, even after everything he put me through… But yes, you’re right. I am better than I used to be. I’ve learned a lot, I’ve owned a lot, and I’ve grown a lot. Thank you for your unwavering love and support.

  • Joanna Clute

    I just had a friend break out of her shell and share the hard parts. It’s what people need to hear to know they’re not alone in it all.

    • Life is hard enough, trying to go it alone because we are worried what people will think just makes it harder. I am so glad your friend opened up. I’m glad you were there to hear her hard parts. We are all in this together.

  • This is so refreshing!! Thanks for sharing. I talk about everything with my friends. Life can really be hard at times. And if you can share it with someone it makes you feel better

    • Thank you for stopping by! I think we all need friends we can be real with, and talk about the hard parts. Sharing means you’re not alone, and things are so much easier with friends.

  • Hey, we all have our fair share of hot mess moments. Love the honesty here!

  • What you said.
    thank you.

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