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Karma Never Loses an Address

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, back in April 2007.  For the longest time after that, I used that diagnosis as an excuse for bad behavior, often claiming I couldn’t be held accountable for my bad decisions because it wasn’t really my fault.

It wasn’t until I survived my second suicide attempt in January 2014 that I really truly, in the very core of my being, understood that I am responsible for my life.  I am responsible for the choices I make, and the consequences, both good and bad, of those choices.  It was at that point that I started owning my shit.  I started owning the mess I had made of my life.

But I remember those days when I thought life was just something that just happened.  I couldn’t be held accountable for my actions because of my mental illness. That behavior hurt so many people, especially those closest to me.

I also remember how those people walked away, or at least defined boundaries to keep me from hurting them any more than I already had.  In fact my sister once wrote

 I love her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her. How do you stop loving your sister? You don’t. But you stop being sucked in – which I have done.

I say all of that so I can say I completely understand the behavior of someone I considered my friend.

But understanding is not forgiving or excusing.  Understanding does not mean not holding them responsible for their actions.  Understanding does not mean turning a blind eye.   It does not mean I have to allow it in my life.  Much like my sister did, I drew boundaries.

This weekend, the shoe was on the other foot.  I was no longer the one acting out, I was the one being hurt by the actions of someone I cared about.  I got a front row seat to the shit show I used to be and I got to experience first hand the hurt and damage my actions used to cause.

Karma may take her sweet time, but she never forgets.

Maybe that’s why I think this is a bigger deal than others do.  Because I see so much of the person I used to be.

“The things we dislike most in others are the characteristics we like least in ourselves.” ~ Marian Keyes

I used to be the person who refused to engage any level of impulse control.  The person who believed that sex was love and love was acceptance.  I used to be the person who would drink to quiet the voices of self-doubt.  I used to be the person who behaved exactly like my friend did this weekend.

And this weekend I felt the hurt and disappointment and disbelief all of my friends had felt because of my behavior.

Yesterday the ‘apology’ came.  And by apology I mean “I understand that my behavior is considered unacceptable, but her behavior was too.”  We got I’m sorry, but which isn’t any sort of apology at all.  I’m sorry but says I’ll say the words, but won’t mean them because I’m going to blame you for my behavior.  My behavior can’t possibly be my fault because of your behavior.

I used to be that person too.

There is a lesson for me in this weekend as well.  I am sure of it.  Learning to forgive, even if they aren’t sorry.  Remembering one weekend, one night, is not the entire person.  Maybe the lesson is, I can understand and instead of shutting them out, I am in a unique position to empathize and help them get help.  Maybe I’m supposed to do for her, what I wish my friends had done for me.

6 comments to Karma Never Loses an Address

  • I’m so glad you are still learning. I am too. I will have to forgive myself sooner or later.

    • Becky Hood

      Life will teach you what you need if you are willing and open to learning. That’s hard. Forgiving myself for the person I used to be is even harder. That lesson will take some time, I think.

  • After 12 years I am back in contact with my mother. I have my own boundaries that she is not allowed to cross. She of course brought up my behavior and I did apologize because I could have done things much better 12 years ago, but she did not apologize for her behavior which is partially what drove me away. I just released that and let it go. I am so glad you are doing much better! It is great to see you happy and moving forward!

    • Becky Hood

      My sister once told me “If we can allow ourselves to truly be present, in the moment, with ourselves and if we can trust that the universe can lead us to things when we are ready to be lead to them, then the end result is ultimate growth” You (and I) have learned to accept the apology we never got, and never will. The apology is an acknowledgement of actions and consequences. But if behavior can change, then maybe that’s “apology” enough. Sometimes naval gazing teaches us some of life’s biggest lessons.

  • Jen

    Becky thank you for sharing your story with us. Our learned lessons are so beneficial when we share it with one another, Hugs my friend!

    • Becky Hood

      Thank you Jen. It was a lesson learned, even writing that post. If we are willing to be open, life never stops teaching us.

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